Nostalgia = Christmas

that season is here again.
cool breeze. nostalgic aura.

i don't get why every year that Christmas occurs, i get this feeling of a nostalgic high deep in my chest.
like there was something that HAD happened before that makes we want it to be Christmas every single day of the year.. and yet not remember what did occur.
there's just this sense of bliss that the celebration brings with it every time it comes that you can rarely find in any of the occasions that take place within the 365 day span of a year.

looking back at all the past 17 Christmases i've had, almost 5 of those, i can't remember. leaving 12 to fill in the expectations and feelings that come back whenever this time of the year comes. maybe within those 12 Christmases, i really felt what it was like..

what does it really feel like? is there a specific feeling that is mutual for all the couple billion people in the world that you SHOULD also feel during this season?

i'd like to think not.

coz i don't think that i feel this way every year--as i feel now.
as i had thought of and felt and said before.

i write down now.

"you don't need all the pieces of the puzzle of life to feel happy.
even if your family is away, the piece of friends may be enough to fill that gap.
even if you're not with the girl you're crushing during this season,
maybe the celebrations would get your mind of her..
even if you live in constant fear of the future,
maybe having RIGHT NOW--the present-- is enough.

you don't need all the pieces of the puzzle of life to feel happy.
you just need the right pieces at the right time. =]"

nostalgia. nostalgia.
maybe it's not nostalgia i feel during Christmas.

it's anticipation of yet one great memory to fill in the gaps.

impression.

there are some things that you simply cannot stop.
some things that are simply out of your control.
and no matter how you look at it.. happily or sadly.
no matter what you do or say..

it simply is.
period.


and it drills a deeper hole in my already holey heart.
that this thing that will be occurring.. is really is.

and no matter what i do.
no matter what i say.

you will be going.
and i will still be here.


so i change the way i think.
i change my attitude towards what will be.
and think of it not as a hindrance.
not as a threat.
not as a bad thing, maybe.
but as a challenge.

so far, all that has done to me is..
to let me know more about you.

maybe you also feel the same way..
about leaving yet not wanting to leave.

and i've come to a decision.

"to make the most out of it."


and it may be cliche to say those words..
but that's what is true.
and that's what is logically sound for the heart.

i WILL make an impression on your life..
that when you're finally gone.

the pain would not be too much to bear since..
i would know. for a FACT.
that you will be thinking of me.

that everytime you hear the words i always used to utter.
you would remember me.
and, maybe this would be a gigantic leap,
but maybe you would miss me too.


i may not know what the future holds for us. for me.
but i do know that what i do right now.
is what is necessary for the future to occur.
so while i'm still in the PRESENT. as i would forever be.
i would make the most out of it.

i will fulfill that promise to myself.
and maybe, in a way, to you.

that i will leave my mark.
i will leave my legacy.
i will make you remember.

i will leave you..
my impression.

randomized emotions

expect nothing.
learn to love when loving goes both ways.
learn to live when living and loving intertwine.
learn to smile when smiling hides no tears behind.
learn to cry when crying means smiling is impossible.


love with a love that's true.
take the risk. crash or burn up.

Crash when you give your all, and still end up broken up.
Burn up when you decide that you have no chance.. and it's better to save yourself the pain.
learn to deduce. learn to decide. learn to love.


put up boundaries. don't get too attached.
set standards. don't bend them.
standards are set to be followed.
passing standards doesn't mean it's the same for the other party.
don't expect. don't get attached. don't fall too hard.
or you might simply CRASH.


sourgrape to forget.
yet limit yourself to not hate.
just to forget. to return to normal.
and yet.. it never really goes away.
not a hundred percent.
be prepared to fall, if you're not careful.


continue to smile.
continue to laugh.
continue to live.
there's always a purpose.
always a plan.
always a reason.
nothing happens just because.

facade.

why is it..
that we hide behind masks?

it's so sad to realize one day..
that the person you think you knew.. was hurting so much.
and yet they wouldn't show it.

and you thought everything was FINE.


i mean..
why are we afraid of being vulnerable?
why are we so scared of feeling weak?
why is it, that we need to always appear STRONG?!

it's so stupid.
not letting others know you're hurting..
and yet, yearning for it all the same.

they'd say it's pride.


so much pain.
over pride.

is it too much to come for help when you're drowning?


haha.. and it's ironic.
for me to be writing about these things..
and yet be doing the same damn thing.

guess in the end..
it's all just a facade.

all my life.

all my life.
i prayed for someone like you.
and i HOPE that you feel the same way too..
yeah, i PRAY that you love me too.

-All My Life by KC and Jojo

There goes by another minute.
another tick of the clock.
another second gone past.
another moment forgotten and left behind.

I notice myself looking forward to the next day.
The next day to see you.. to just simply BE WITH YOU.
to be able to smile at you.. and look at your smile.
to laugh with you.. to hear your wonderful laughter.. and to make you laugh.
to just know that you're safe.. and you're HERE.. with me.
at that moment. at that TIME that we were together.. that we are together..

the world doesn't exist.
and this THING that's been stuck up and overloading my chest..
goes away..
and it feels good, you know?

to not be THINKING about you so much
because YOU'RE THERE.

not like this.
how i'm being all emotional and stuff..
just cause this feeling in my chest won't go away..

and i might think-- and it would not be uncommon to think this--
that you just might be a "seasonal" thing..
for a limited time only..
an offer that DOES NOT LAST.
as every single thing in my life, earthly that is, has been.

i've been thinking.
thinking A LOT.
and the thought that constantly probes this mind of mine is that..
of all the Temporaries that i've had, you, by far, has been the MOST permanent of them all.
and ironical as it sounds, it's the truth.
AND you, by far, are the one i loved-- if i DO really-- the most.
the one i have GIVEN the most of my time..
and effort..
and thought..
and everything else i could offer.
of all the Temporaries, you're the most important.

and i fear.. that if i lose you..?
i'd go insane.
literally.

how can one existence take up so much thought?
HOW big are you that you fit in almost EVERY SPACE of my EVERY THOUGHT?
how can i prove.. that..

ALL MY LIFE.
i have been looking for you?

there exists a list in my possession..
of all the qualities.. and characteristics.. and descriptions..
of the girl that i would give my heart to.

and i have LOOKED over that list for most of the Temporaries..
and i have thought that, maybe i could bend this one a bit.

but, when it came to comparing you to my list?
you leapt right off the paper.

i realized. that the list that i had?
was a fake. i had put in GENERAL things that i could easily manipulate..
or ignore.. to make FIT the Temporary.
and yet, YOU..
YOU match every single one..
and soo much more that ain't even in writing.

and ALL my life..
i have dreamed of finding somebody like you.

and i am POSITIVE.
that there are more guys out there that are better, smarter, more handsome than I will EVER be..
and yet, here i am..
giving my heart and soul..
writing like a damned romantic..
and a hopeless romantic at that..

and yet..
i know.

that even if the world would take away everything..
i'd still want to have you.
coz ALL my LIFE..
seasonal or not. temporary or not.
you're still the one that makes my chest constrict.

That's the Girl I Love

it's so much to accept all at once.
yet it all is one package, take it or leave it.
no picking out the good stuff.
no leaving out the bad stuff.
no wanting it in good times.
no straying during bad.

and i realize.
.. that's the girl i love.

pure brute, unmerciful willpower.
what she wants, she gets.
and yet, i know for a fact, that deep inside..
she's trying her best to look strong..
even though it doesn't show.

and i realize.
.. that's the girl i love.

she won't tell you what you wanna know.
yet, she'll get what she wants from you..
coz you just can't help to disappoint her.
coz you can't bear to be the one to hurt her..
she's very secretive. yet she tells secrets.
she hides yours. and hides more of hers.
and you might get pissed at the secrecy..
and smile at how she manages to keep it in.
such self control. such determination.

and i realize.
.. that's the girl i love.

she's very expressive. always loud.
very friendly. very spontaneous.
never really her, without that smile on that face.
never really good to see, that smile upside down.
and yet, when you wanna help her..
when you just wanna know what's wrong.
she still has that courage to BE strong.
and say that "it's nothing".. when deep down she's bleeding.
and still she smiles at the world like such.
and hides what she feels underneath..
just for the sake that others don't get too concerned about her.
or stuff.
what she doesn't know is how it hurts you more.
that she suffers through it alone.
and yet she's like that.
smiling, yet bleeding.

and i realize.
.. that's the girl i love.

she's a pessimist at almost everything.
always saying that she'll fail, yet she aces what she takes.
always saying that she's bad, when her goodness radiates from within her.
always thinking that things will go astray from what is..
never trusting too much. yet not that distrusting either.
she'll never believe you a 100%.
she always has to see for herself that it's done
or it's true.
even if she gets embarrassed, she'll just smile at that little mistrust.
she has to see it to believe in you.
she wants to be the one who makes that decision.
coz in her way, she's a distrusting pessimist.
and yet, her competitiveness overrides her lack of trust.

and i realize.
.. that's the girl i love.

she never really gives you a chance at anything.
she does what she can for herself.
she doesn't want to look like taking advantage of others..
when she, herself, has the ability of accomplishing the deed.
and yet, she'll ask of you in that sweet expression of hers, favors.
in her own time.
she'll act all cute so that you'll do what she asks.
and you can't bear resist.
and deep down, you know that even if she doesn't get all cute,
and just simply ask.. you'll do it for her.
yet there are times when she never wants your help.
always closed. always guarded.
as if you won't do it right.
acting all strong and as if she can do everything you can.
and as much as it is a pain..
it is wonderful, that way.

and i realize.
.. that's the girl i love.

she's friendly. she wants many connections.
she can talk to anybody she wants. anytime anywhere.
she's all bubbly and really irresistible to be with.
like that, she's got this huge stock of so-called brothers.
so much guys, and so much girls-- her friends.
and they all can't deny that she's a good person.
and as much as it makes you jealous.
as much as it makes you green with envy.
as much as it makes you red with fury.
and as much as you wanna stop what you've started..
coz you don't think you can handle it.
you can't resist that friendliness and connection you feel
whenever she's near.
and it sucks, big time.

and YET i realize.
.. that's the girl i love.

and so much bad things are around her.
and yet she herself is immune.
drinking, partying, cussing, smoking, you name it.
and yet she's resistant to all those.
even if the most closest to her are the ones offering.
she's strong that way. and good natured.
and pure hearted. and right moral-ed.
and as much as you want her to enjoy life this way.
besides that more evil desires, by the way.
just enjoy a party, have a drink.. feel the heat.
she resists. strongly. even if everyone else may think of her as weird.
and yet there are parts of her that are naughty.
how she dances to the sound and rhythm of music.
how she acts to get what she wants.
how she thinks at times of people she's pissed at.
and the good and the bad.. in your eyes.
are all what makes her herself. and that's all good.

and i realize.
.. that's the girl i love.

and even though the world ends.
even though the earth crumbles.
and even if some tiny event that is not really that significant occurs..
you can't DARE leave her.
even if, in the future, you two are not together.
even if, when the time comes, she finds another. and you, the same.
there would still be that attachment that never goes away.
that part of your heart that will always be hers.
coz she's simply that way-- you can't leave her.
you'd give her the world, if it were possible.
and you'd give her the best of what you could.

coz even if things don't go like the way you think now.
you know for a fact.
as assured as there is oxygen in the air and it powers us up.
as assured as there is gravity keeping us from flying to space.
as assured that our hearts won't stop beating till we die.
as assured as you are human.
as assured as you know that you have the ability to love.
as assured as there is an Almighty God out there watching.

you know that you can't hurt her.
coz deep down you KNOW..

.. that THAT's the girl you love.

double edged.

it breaks me.
do you have ANY idea of what it does?

yeah, here i write silly blogs of how it breaks me and shit.
it's stupid, really.
just an over reaction.
just something i need to get out.
something that i know, no matter how hard it gets, i can never justify to my favor.
cause, again, it's just an over reaction.
something i know i shouldn't dwell on too much, but can't stand NOT to.

better let something useless out.
than keep it in and let it break you more.

and as wrong, and as common this is, i still can't get over thinking about how you're with some other guy.
and as frequent and wrong as it sounds, it still tugs at those wounds.
i know, logically and radically, that there is NO effin way that you CAN'T be with a guy.
it's totally unreasonable to be jealous of that.
friendship goes two ways. to both genders.
and yet.
why is it..
pleasse, tell me..
that almost every time i see you with a guy, EVEN if that guy is also my friend..
or i see you wave
or smile
or say HI!
to some other guy, LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO..

my heart shatters.

and to make it all worse..
although, i'm pretty sure that it never IS in your case, the heart shattering, i mean..
i am, frequently around the company of my friends which compose mostly of the opposite gender, to be honest.

and when you think about it, it's sooooo stupid.
that EVEN I DO THE SAME.
what right, WHAT RIGHT, do i have to be even a tad bit jealous?

and to make myself feel better, i just go thinking..
and hoping..
and wishing..
that evil thought.. of maybe you feel the same way when you see ME with my friends. like that.
and it's sooo wrong.

that way i think of hurting you.
when in fact, it hurts me more since it hurts to know i'm INTENTIONALLY doing it to TRY to hurt you back.
irrationality is the heart's greatest quality.
and the way i act towards this situation, it's plain stupid.
double edged.

guess, it's really better to let it out, though.
even though i know that everything is not to my favor.
that anyone who hears this would probably be siding with you.
that maybe some might even hate me for it.
who knows?

useless.

look forward

they say that when looking for the "One", you gotta think of her as your wife.
they say that it would be pretty meaningless to go courting some girl you don't really SEE as wife material in the future.
they say that you have to be serious in your decision.
they say.

yet what I think is that, would a child eating chocolate know that the sugar would boost his energy levels for a time?
would a man, who just had an impulse not to go buy ice cream for that time know that he'd use that same amount for something important awhile later?
would you go making a friend in future hopes of getting a very specific benefit from him/her?

i doubt.

maybe it's a mix and match sorta thing.
maybe you go and have experiences with different girls, and in the end, you'll find the one.
maybe the future really ain't a thing that you're thinkin' of at the moment.

it's just someone to talk to. someone to reciprocate the emotions that are welling up inside you.

if you had a bucket full of water, wouldn't you want to empty the bucket someplace?
what if the water sprung from within the bucket? and you simply cannot afford to go spilling the water around the ground just so that it wouldn't overflow too much, where would you place the excess water? there has got to be a place where you can just let all the water flow.

there has got to be a person who feels the same. and accepts those emotions. and accepts you for who you are. and does things for you that you never deemed possible.

maybe RIGHT NOW, i just wanna feel loved. and if it develops into something that'll last long term, then I'd hit the jackpot.

maybe all i'm looking for is that place where my water won't be rejected.

future? maybe, yeah. but who knows what the future holds? you might not expect the changes it brings. you never know.
even if you SEE HER AS YOUR WIFE.
there are no 100% assurances.
there is just possibility.
and Almighty Fate.

look forward, sure.
but don't keep looking forward, that you forget what is now.

set me free.

the pressure increased as it pumped up more.
alcohol in my system. never was enough.
though deep inside, i knew it was never good.
slight dizziness. so what?

it's like getting high, on something that's not that much.
not drugs or anything. not addictive, for me.
just something social, as i exclaim, or claim.
yet, deep inside, it's not parties that need me.
it's more of quite the opposite.

the feeling of blood rush.
eyesight a bit blurry. actions, a bit wild.
yet you're still in control. you're sane. you're conscious.
and everything seems to be.. insignificant.

you get your mind of stuff. plenty of stuff.
school. work. family. friends. love.
heck, if life were just a game without importance,
without purpose, then that moment, that feeling, is what I'd like it to be.
just feeling the blood in your head, feeling the beat in your body.
letting it take over. just swayin' and just ignoring.

insignificance takes over. you forget.
you're happy.
not entirely good. not entirely nonaddictive.
not entirely fun. not entirely an attention grabber.
yet it feels good to let loose once in awhile.
sometimes, you gotta tell yourself..

to live like there was no tomorrow.
to dance to the beat that ain't gonna stop.
to leave the things that bear down on your heart.
to give in to the music that flows through your veins.

sometimes, you gotta claim..

"set me free."

get over it.

and as i browsed through blogs and posts in Facebook,
something caught my eye.

"Love is over-stated. Love eventually ends and you are free to love another."

And so after your last relationship, you move on.
look for another person to give you heart to, even if it is left in pieces.
you feel happy, sure, and if you're not, you yearn for the "one" who'll make you.

but there are times when your thoughts drift back to the ones before
those who really gave their attention to you
and not just half-hearted, one-way attention..
but their all.

and you sit down and realize, that IT NEVER REALLY GOES AWAY.
part of it will ALWAYS stay.
part of it will always be there.
a piece of your heart, attached to theirs.
a piece of your mind, always thinking of them, as they, you.

and you might retort and say,
ha! i don't feel that way AT ALL.
it's either you were never in love.
or you're just lying your ass off.

coz face it, MOVING ON never really meant to forget.
your subconscious would haunt you.
keep that portion of that person with you.
in your mind.
in your heart.
and never will you FORGET.

get over it?
nah.

overflow.

and there i walked, rain crashing down my face.
the events that transpired flashing through my mind.
i walked alone on the stone path, thinking

"what is there between us?"

i dwell upon the things we do, we did
i rethink the moments we share
and realize that, maybe, i'm just a nobody for you.

there was a time you asked me,
"who are you, anyway, that you wanna know stuff about me?"

maybe that IS how you feel.
maybe that IS what i am to you.
just a nobody.
a shadow that hovers around you,
caring without a heart.
loving without love to give.
a ghost walking in a neighborhood with nothing to gain.

i try to think positive.
try to life up those cheeks with a smile.
a smile that can easily be passed as real,
while the real face inside is crushed.
while the real emotion is subdued and kept in.

as if anybody would care.
as if i cared if anybody besides YOU cared.

just let things go the way they are.
just keep things in and hide it from the world.

and when it's too much.
put it into words
as emotions overflow.