enjoy. empathize. quote.
let emotions well up and overflow.
live life. love life. love to live. live to love.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

all my life.

all my life.
i prayed for someone like you.
and i HOPE that you feel the same way too..
yeah, i PRAY that you love me too.

-All My Life by KC and Jojo

There goes by another minute.
another tick of the clock.
another second gone past.
another moment forgotten and left behind.

I notice myself looking forward to the next day.
The next day to see you.. to just simply BE WITH YOU.
to be able to smile at you.. and look at your smile.
to laugh with you.. to hear your wonderful laughter.. and to make you laugh.
to just know that you're safe.. and you're HERE.. with me.
at that moment. at that TIME that we were together.. that we are together..

the world doesn't exist.
and this THING that's been stuck up and overloading my chest..
goes away..
and it feels good, you know?

to not be THINKING about you so much
because YOU'RE THERE.

not like this.
how i'm being all emotional and stuff..
just cause this feeling in my chest won't go away..

and i might think-- and it would not be uncommon to think this--
that you just might be a "seasonal" thing..
for a limited time only..
an offer that DOES NOT LAST.
as every single thing in my life, earthly that is, has been.

i've been thinking.
thinking A LOT.
and the thought that constantly probes this mind of mine is that..
of all the Temporaries that i've had, you, by far, has been the MOST permanent of them all.
and ironical as it sounds, it's the truth.
AND you, by far, are the one i loved-- if i DO really-- the most.
the one i have GIVEN the most of my time..
and effort..
and thought..
and everything else i could offer.
of all the Temporaries, you're the most important.

and i fear.. that if i lose you..?
i'd go insane.

how can one existence take up so much thought?
HOW big are you that you fit in almost EVERY SPACE of my EVERY THOUGHT?
how can i prove.. that..

i have been looking for you?

there exists a list in my possession..
of all the qualities.. and characteristics.. and descriptions..
of the girl that i would give my heart to.

and i have LOOKED over that list for most of the Temporaries..
and i have thought that, maybe i could bend this one a bit.

but, when it came to comparing you to my list?
you leapt right off the paper.

i realized. that the list that i had?
was a fake. i had put in GENERAL things that i could easily manipulate..
or ignore.. to make FIT the Temporary.
and yet, YOU..
YOU match every single one..
and soo much more that ain't even in writing.

and ALL my life..
i have dreamed of finding somebody like you.

and i am POSITIVE.
that there are more guys out there that are better, smarter, more handsome than I will EVER be..
and yet, here i am..
giving my heart and soul..
writing like a damned romantic..
and a hopeless romantic at that..

and yet..
i know.

that even if the world would take away everything..
i'd still want to have you.
coz ALL my LIFE..
seasonal or not. temporary or not.
you're still the one that makes my chest constrict.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

That's the Girl I Love

it's so much to accept all at once.
yet it all is one package, take it or leave it.
no picking out the good stuff.
no leaving out the bad stuff.
no wanting it in good times.
no straying during bad.

and i realize.
.. that's the girl i love.

pure brute, unmerciful willpower.
what she wants, she gets.
and yet, i know for a fact, that deep inside..
she's trying her best to look strong..
even though it doesn't show.

and i realize.
.. that's the girl i love.

she won't tell you what you wanna know.
yet, she'll get what she wants from you..
coz you just can't help to disappoint her.
coz you can't bear to be the one to hurt her..
she's very secretive. yet she tells secrets.
she hides yours. and hides more of hers.
and you might get pissed at the secrecy..
and smile at how she manages to keep it in.
such self control. such determination.

and i realize.
.. that's the girl i love.

she's very expressive. always loud.
very friendly. very spontaneous.
never really her, without that smile on that face.
never really good to see, that smile upside down.
and yet, when you wanna help her..
when you just wanna know what's wrong.
she still has that courage to BE strong.
and say that "it's nothing".. when deep down she's bleeding.
and still she smiles at the world like such.
and hides what she feels underneath..
just for the sake that others don't get too concerned about her.
or stuff.
what she doesn't know is how it hurts you more.
that she suffers through it alone.
and yet she's like that.
smiling, yet bleeding.

and i realize.
.. that's the girl i love.

she's a pessimist at almost everything.
always saying that she'll fail, yet she aces what she takes.
always saying that she's bad, when her goodness radiates from within her.
always thinking that things will go astray from what is..
never trusting too much. yet not that distrusting either.
she'll never believe you a 100%.
she always has to see for herself that it's done
or it's true.
even if she gets embarrassed, she'll just smile at that little mistrust.
she has to see it to believe in you.
she wants to be the one who makes that decision.
coz in her way, she's a distrusting pessimist.
and yet, her competitiveness overrides her lack of trust.

and i realize.
.. that's the girl i love.

she never really gives you a chance at anything.
she does what she can for herself.
she doesn't want to look like taking advantage of others..
when she, herself, has the ability of accomplishing the deed.
and yet, she'll ask of you in that sweet expression of hers, favors.
in her own time.
she'll act all cute so that you'll do what she asks.
and you can't bear resist.
and deep down, you know that even if she doesn't get all cute,
and just simply ask.. you'll do it for her.
yet there are times when she never wants your help.
always closed. always guarded.
as if you won't do it right.
acting all strong and as if she can do everything you can.
and as much as it is a pain..
it is wonderful, that way.

and i realize.
.. that's the girl i love.

she's friendly. she wants many connections.
she can talk to anybody she wants. anytime anywhere.
she's all bubbly and really irresistible to be with.
like that, she's got this huge stock of so-called brothers.
so much guys, and so much girls-- her friends.
and they all can't deny that she's a good person.
and as much as it makes you jealous.
as much as it makes you green with envy.
as much as it makes you red with fury.
and as much as you wanna stop what you've started..
coz you don't think you can handle it.
you can't resist that friendliness and connection you feel
whenever she's near.
and it sucks, big time.

and YET i realize.
.. that's the girl i love.

and so much bad things are around her.
and yet she herself is immune.
drinking, partying, cussing, smoking, you name it.
and yet she's resistant to all those.
even if the most closest to her are the ones offering.
she's strong that way. and good natured.
and pure hearted. and right moral-ed.
and as much as you want her to enjoy life this way.
besides that more evil desires, by the way.
just enjoy a party, have a drink.. feel the heat.
she resists. strongly. even if everyone else may think of her as weird.
and yet there are parts of her that are naughty.
how she dances to the sound and rhythm of music.
how she acts to get what she wants.
how she thinks at times of people she's pissed at.
and the good and the bad.. in your eyes.
are all what makes her herself. and that's all good.

and i realize.
.. that's the girl i love.

and even though the world ends.
even though the earth crumbles.
and even if some tiny event that is not really that significant occurs..
you can't DARE leave her.
even if, in the future, you two are not together.
even if, when the time comes, she finds another. and you, the same.
there would still be that attachment that never goes away.
that part of your heart that will always be hers.
coz she's simply that way-- you can't leave her.
you'd give her the world, if it were possible.
and you'd give her the best of what you could.

coz even if things don't go like the way you think now.
you know for a fact.
as assured as there is oxygen in the air and it powers us up.
as assured as there is gravity keeping us from flying to space.
as assured that our hearts won't stop beating till we die.
as assured as you are human.
as assured as you know that you have the ability to love.
as assured as there is an Almighty God out there watching.

you know that you can't hurt her.
coz deep down you KNOW..

.. that THAT's the girl you love.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

double edged.

it breaks me.
do you have ANY idea of what it does?

yeah, here i write silly blogs of how it breaks me and shit.
it's stupid, really.
just an over reaction.
just something i need to get out.
something that i know, no matter how hard it gets, i can never justify to my favor.
cause, again, it's just an over reaction.
something i know i shouldn't dwell on too much, but can't stand NOT to.

better let something useless out.
than keep it in and let it break you more.

and as wrong, and as common this is, i still can't get over thinking about how you're with some other guy.
and as frequent and wrong as it sounds, it still tugs at those wounds.
i know, logically and radically, that there is NO effin way that you CAN'T be with a guy.
it's totally unreasonable to be jealous of that.
friendship goes two ways. to both genders.
and yet.
why is it..
pleasse, tell me..
that almost every time i see you with a guy, EVEN if that guy is also my friend..
or i see you wave
or smile
or say HI!
to some other guy, LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO..

my heart shatters.

and to make it all worse..
although, i'm pretty sure that it never IS in your case, the heart shattering, i mean..
i am, frequently around the company of my friends which compose mostly of the opposite gender, to be honest.

and when you think about it, it's sooooo stupid.
what right, WHAT RIGHT, do i have to be even a tad bit jealous?

and to make myself feel better, i just go thinking..
and hoping..
and wishing..
that evil thought.. of maybe you feel the same way when you see ME with my friends. like that.
and it's sooo wrong.

that way i think of hurting you.
when in fact, it hurts me more since it hurts to know i'm INTENTIONALLY doing it to TRY to hurt you back.
irrationality is the heart's greatest quality.
and the way i act towards this situation, it's plain stupid.
double edged.

guess, it's really better to let it out, though.
even though i know that everything is not to my favor.
that anyone who hears this would probably be siding with you.
that maybe some might even hate me for it.
who knows?