Nostalgia = Christmas

that season is here again.
cool breeze. nostalgic aura.

i don't get why every year that Christmas occurs, i get this feeling of a nostalgic high deep in my chest.
like there was something that HAD happened before that makes we want it to be Christmas every single day of the year.. and yet not remember what did occur.
there's just this sense of bliss that the celebration brings with it every time it comes that you can rarely find in any of the occasions that take place within the 365 day span of a year.

looking back at all the past 17 Christmases i've had, almost 5 of those, i can't remember. leaving 12 to fill in the expectations and feelings that come back whenever this time of the year comes. maybe within those 12 Christmases, i really felt what it was like..

what does it really feel like? is there a specific feeling that is mutual for all the couple billion people in the world that you SHOULD also feel during this season?

i'd like to think not.

coz i don't think that i feel this way every year--as i feel now.
as i had thought of and felt and said before.

i write down now.

"you don't need all the pieces of the puzzle of life to feel happy.
even if your family is away, the piece of friends may be enough to fill that gap.
even if you're not with the girl you're crushing during this season,
maybe the celebrations would get your mind of her..
even if you live in constant fear of the future,
maybe having RIGHT NOW--the present-- is enough.

you don't need all the pieces of the puzzle of life to feel happy.
you just need the right pieces at the right time. =]"

nostalgia. nostalgia.
maybe it's not nostalgia i feel during Christmas.

it's anticipation of yet one great memory to fill in the gaps.

impression.

there are some things that you simply cannot stop.
some things that are simply out of your control.
and no matter how you look at it.. happily or sadly.
no matter what you do or say..

it simply is.
period.


and it drills a deeper hole in my already holey heart.
that this thing that will be occurring.. is really is.

and no matter what i do.
no matter what i say.

you will be going.
and i will still be here.


so i change the way i think.
i change my attitude towards what will be.
and think of it not as a hindrance.
not as a threat.
not as a bad thing, maybe.
but as a challenge.

so far, all that has done to me is..
to let me know more about you.

maybe you also feel the same way..
about leaving yet not wanting to leave.

and i've come to a decision.

"to make the most out of it."


and it may be cliche to say those words..
but that's what is true.
and that's what is logically sound for the heart.

i WILL make an impression on your life..
that when you're finally gone.

the pain would not be too much to bear since..
i would know. for a FACT.
that you will be thinking of me.

that everytime you hear the words i always used to utter.
you would remember me.
and, maybe this would be a gigantic leap,
but maybe you would miss me too.


i may not know what the future holds for us. for me.
but i do know that what i do right now.
is what is necessary for the future to occur.
so while i'm still in the PRESENT. as i would forever be.
i would make the most out of it.

i will fulfill that promise to myself.
and maybe, in a way, to you.

that i will leave my mark.
i will leave my legacy.
i will make you remember.

i will leave you..
my impression.

randomized emotions

expect nothing.
learn to love when loving goes both ways.
learn to live when living and loving intertwine.
learn to smile when smiling hides no tears behind.
learn to cry when crying means smiling is impossible.


love with a love that's true.
take the risk. crash or burn up.

Crash when you give your all, and still end up broken up.
Burn up when you decide that you have no chance.. and it's better to save yourself the pain.
learn to deduce. learn to decide. learn to love.


put up boundaries. don't get too attached.
set standards. don't bend them.
standards are set to be followed.
passing standards doesn't mean it's the same for the other party.
don't expect. don't get attached. don't fall too hard.
or you might simply CRASH.


sourgrape to forget.
yet limit yourself to not hate.
just to forget. to return to normal.
and yet.. it never really goes away.
not a hundred percent.
be prepared to fall, if you're not careful.


continue to smile.
continue to laugh.
continue to live.
there's always a purpose.
always a plan.
always a reason.
nothing happens just because.

facade.

why is it..
that we hide behind masks?

it's so sad to realize one day..
that the person you think you knew.. was hurting so much.
and yet they wouldn't show it.

and you thought everything was FINE.


i mean..
why are we afraid of being vulnerable?
why are we so scared of feeling weak?
why is it, that we need to always appear STRONG?!

it's so stupid.
not letting others know you're hurting..
and yet, yearning for it all the same.

they'd say it's pride.


so much pain.
over pride.

is it too much to come for help when you're drowning?


haha.. and it's ironic.
for me to be writing about these things..
and yet be doing the same damn thing.

guess in the end..
it's all just a facade.

all my life.

all my life.
i prayed for someone like you.
and i HOPE that you feel the same way too..
yeah, i PRAY that you love me too.

-All My Life by KC and Jojo

There goes by another minute.
another tick of the clock.
another second gone past.
another moment forgotten and left behind.

I notice myself looking forward to the next day.
The next day to see you.. to just simply BE WITH YOU.
to be able to smile at you.. and look at your smile.
to laugh with you.. to hear your wonderful laughter.. and to make you laugh.
to just know that you're safe.. and you're HERE.. with me.
at that moment. at that TIME that we were together.. that we are together..

the world doesn't exist.
and this THING that's been stuck up and overloading my chest..
goes away..
and it feels good, you know?

to not be THINKING about you so much
because YOU'RE THERE.

not like this.
how i'm being all emotional and stuff..
just cause this feeling in my chest won't go away..

and i might think-- and it would not be uncommon to think this--
that you just might be a "seasonal" thing..
for a limited time only..
an offer that DOES NOT LAST.
as every single thing in my life, earthly that is, has been.

i've been thinking.
thinking A LOT.
and the thought that constantly probes this mind of mine is that..
of all the Temporaries that i've had, you, by far, has been the MOST permanent of them all.
and ironical as it sounds, it's the truth.
AND you, by far, are the one i loved-- if i DO really-- the most.
the one i have GIVEN the most of my time..
and effort..
and thought..
and everything else i could offer.
of all the Temporaries, you're the most important.

and i fear.. that if i lose you..?
i'd go insane.
literally.

how can one existence take up so much thought?
HOW big are you that you fit in almost EVERY SPACE of my EVERY THOUGHT?
how can i prove.. that..

ALL MY LIFE.
i have been looking for you?

there exists a list in my possession..
of all the qualities.. and characteristics.. and descriptions..
of the girl that i would give my heart to.

and i have LOOKED over that list for most of the Temporaries..
and i have thought that, maybe i could bend this one a bit.

but, when it came to comparing you to my list?
you leapt right off the paper.

i realized. that the list that i had?
was a fake. i had put in GENERAL things that i could easily manipulate..
or ignore.. to make FIT the Temporary.
and yet, YOU..
YOU match every single one..
and soo much more that ain't even in writing.

and ALL my life..
i have dreamed of finding somebody like you.

and i am POSITIVE.
that there are more guys out there that are better, smarter, more handsome than I will EVER be..
and yet, here i am..
giving my heart and soul..
writing like a damned romantic..
and a hopeless romantic at that..

and yet..
i know.

that even if the world would take away everything..
i'd still want to have you.
coz ALL my LIFE..
seasonal or not. temporary or not.
you're still the one that makes my chest constrict.